How not to look foolish: A guide for incoming college freshmen

School is just around the corner, and I’d like to take a few moments out of your day. I’ve many a friend that have graduated from high school (with specific ‘shout-outs’ to Tim Solow and Alex Finely) and as school falls upon us I realize that, as a Super-senior (also known as: I should have graduated already) at The University of North Texas I feel it is my duty to pass on a few wise words to the youngbloods. I care about many of these soon-to-be-men and I’d rather them not look foolish.
I’ve taught you all a lot gentlemen. Specifically you Duke, I’ve given you a wealth of information and watched you take it and make it your own and become a champion.
Very well played. This won’t be my final piece of advice, but…it’s something to keep you moving forward in the right direction.

(From the archive: Myspaceblog August 22^nd 2008):

I’m walking to the book store to purchase my 500 dollars worth of books when I walk past a group of three kids wearing UNT shirts (I know…it’s weird to me too). I pass by them and I hear something along these lines:
”I don’t even care what classes I take, it’s not like I’m gonna study. I don’t give a shit.” I shake my head and keep walking. Now, most likely this girl was just trying to sound like a hard-ass in front of the new college friends she met at orientation and she’s the girl that cries when she gets a B, but in all honestly she sounds like nothing short of completely ignorant.

Let me lay it out:

In high school it’s cool to not study. It’s cool to not care, it’s okay to complain about being there. Until you’re eighteen Uncle Sam forces you to go, it’s not really your call anyway. Besides the only thing I learned in high school was how to piss off other people in class. But in case you haven’t noticed, college isn’t high school, and there’s a different set of rules to follow.
Here’s where the problem starts.
The main point of high school: Be cool, be cute, be funny, be popular. (Or if you’re one of the anti-popular kids, it’s cool to not care about anything, specifically what you wear…even though you spend just as much money on that band shirt from Hot Topic as they do on their polo from American Eagle).
The main point of college: Learn enough so that you stop looking stupid when you play board games, get a degree so that you can get a job, learn how to take notes with a hang-over.

In summation:

Not caring about school in college makes you look like a fucking dumb-ass. Start caring. Someone is paying for you to be there, and no one is making you go to class, so if you don’t want to go, don’t.
UNT has a 50 percent freshman drop-out rate, and I’d love to spend less time looking for parking.

Other things that aren’t cool at college:

-Capri pants on dudes.

-Head bands (Hair metal is dead).

-Ironic shirts (That D.A.R.E. shirt you bought from Thrift World isn’t cute).

-Bringing your own coffee mug to class (at least get a thermos cup, your “#1 grandpa” mug isn’t ironically hilarious).

-Eating whole meals in class (It’s not my fault you missed lunch, I don’t want to smell Chic-fil-a while I’m reading Plato’s Republic).

-Doing anything to promote your band’s next show at the coffee shop around campus.

-Playing Frisbee on campus (there’s at least 6 open fields at every university, go find one).

-Seeing people you know from high school and pretending you’re changing songs on your Ipod.

-Listening to your Ipod loud enough that I can hear it.

-Playing your guitar under a tree.

-Playing acoustic guitar. Period.

-Voting Democratic because your parents are Republicans.

-Not wearing shoes around campus (I swear to Christ I’ll stomp you into the cement).

-Walking around with your phone playing music like you’re in a movie and it’s your soundtrack (you’re not Steve Guttenberg).

-Having torn-up-shitty-ass-clothes, and old-shitty-ass-furniture and saying things like “material goods aren’t important to me.” “god provides me all I need,” while synching your iphone with your ibookpro and sipping Odwalla Pomegranate juice.

-Dudes: shopping at Urban Outfitters (you look homeless).

-Protesting ANYTHING unless you go to one of the following schools: Harvard, Yale, Princeton, or NYU. No one cares about Texas Tech students’ opinions of anything.

-Pretending that the non-franchise eateries/coffee shops, in your college town are better than everything anywhere else, there’s a reason there are hundreds of Starbucks, and only one Jupiter House. (I’ll make an exception for a few places in Austin…and of course: Mr. Chopsticks).

-  Itemizing what you’ve drank by shot/beer when you talk about ‘last night’ the
next day.

-Starting off conversations with “What’s your major?” You’re a Freshman…your major will change.

-Finally: Just don’t be an asshole.

Feel free to share this with anyone you know that could use this information. It’s a rough world out there.

Tags: beer, College, freshmen, protesting, school, University