I’m not gay

Warning: Sorry to my gay friends for these pictures.

I’m not gay.
(But you can still buy me a drink.)

I don’t know what causes it. There are/were rumors.

Do I look gay?

It all starts when my friend Allison Darnel comes to me at work and says
Allison: “I saw you on campus.”

Me: “Oh?”
Allison: “Yeah,” she giggles a tiny bit and covers her mouth with her hand. “My friend thinks you’re cute.”

Now…I’m thinking, this is good news.
Allison looks like this:

I’ve got to be sitting pretty good if her friend thinks I’m cute.

Me: “Okay. What’s her name?” This is where she laughs. She can’t control it anymore.
Allison: “HE’S name is Stephen.”
Me: “Awesome. Is he rich?”

I’m not sure what it is. I must give out a vibe or something.

I’m at a biker bar with a couple of my buddies from work. We’re playing darts. Playing next to us, there’s two dudes and a chick. The chick is…husky. The two dudes are very skinny. One of them is about 5’0. Honestly. He’s extremely tan (Mexican).  He’s got a couple of tear drop tattoos, which I assume he got from killing white boys (like me). Writing snakes up his neck. Names. Of family members maybe, or perhaps they correspond with the tear-drops: A thug with a little remorse.

He keeps looking over at me.

I’m thinking maybe we should leave. Maybe I pissed him off. Maybe he thinks I’m staring at his woman. (If I was, it was more in that train wreck way, not in the ‘I’d like to break off a piece-a-that ‘ way).

After a few moments, some more of my friends walk in and I go to the bar to take shots.  A while goes by and this is the story that is recounted to me by my friend Brian:

The woman comes up to Brian and says:

Husky: “Hey. Is your friend single?” Brian at this point is having trouble. He thinks she’s hitting on me.  He’s having trouble not laughing. He loves it, but he looks out for his boy.
Brian: “Actually, he’s in a committed relationship…has been for a while now. Sorry.” (Lies.)

Husky: “Oh. Well…is he cuter than my friend?”

Brian: “Wait…which one?”

Husky: “The short one.” Brian snorts.

Brian: “You mean…the dude?”

Husky: “…yeeaah.”

Brian: “Oh,” Brian says, now unable to keep from laughing. “He’s not gay.”

Husky: “Are you sure?”

Brian (now dying): “pretty sure”

Husky: “…he’s not gay.”
Brian: “No.”
Husky: “Does he know that?”

I wish I was making it up, gang. But it’s true.

Do I have some sort of vibe or something? Gay friends, help me out here.
This isn’t the only time things like this have happened. Supposedly I made out with some guy in high school…but…I certainly wasn’t aware of it. I must not have been there for that one.

I don’t know what causes this…I guess I’ll just keep shrugging until someone tells me.

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Tags: Allison Darnel, beer, biker bars, Buy me a drink, Frisco Macae, Gay, gay bars, Homosexuality, Horse The Band, rumors, Short-shorts, Shrugging